(June 29)  “Hello, Joe and Jill, this is Barack. How are y’all doing?… Well, I am sitting here with Michelle, and with Bill and Hillary, and with Nancy [Pelosi] and Hakeem [Jeffries] and Chuck [Schumer], and with Ron Klain. Everybody here says hello…”

“Look, Joe, let me get right to the point. We all know that another four years of Donald Trump could be the end of America as we know it. We can’t afford to lose to that criminal. Now we all know that based on the record, you’ll go down in history as a much better president than Trump was. But, Joe, you can’t beat him, and if you don’t, you’ll always get the blame for handing the White House and the fate of Planet Earth back to that dangerous SOB. And while, of course, we think you continue to do a good job as president, you just can’t convince the country you will still be able to do it until you’re 86…”

Yeah, Joe, I hear you. Whatever. Look, here’s the deal: You need to pull out of the reelection campaign. You can make it look like your idea, or you can make us force you to do it. But if you don’t, we will jointly, publicly demand that you withdraw. That would make you toast, either way…”

“No, Joe, we’re not pulling strings for Kamala. She can’t possibly win, either. As soon as you agree — because, Joe, you now have no real choice — we’re calling her next…”

* * *

“Kamala, this is Barack and Michelle and….

“Yeah, look, this is how it’s gonna be. Kamala, you can’t win either. You’ll get crushed. And if you get crushed, your career is over. But we’ve got something that won’t just save face for you, but set you up really nicely. You’ll get an appointment to the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals. A lifetime job, no hassle, no need to suck up to voters anymore — and it could be a stepping stone, if things break right, for the Supreme Court. We’ve got Manchin on board already. While we still have a Senate majority, between Election Day and the next inauguration, we’ll get you confirmed. It’s all set. And don’t argue: You can’t beat all of us, no matter what you say or do. But this is gonna be great for you, trust me…”

* * *

“Ladies, gentlemen, and differently gendered members of the press, we thank you for coming here today. We — all of us: me, Michelle, Bill, Hillary, Chuck, Nancy, and Hakeem — were caught completely off guard when President Biden called us each…. [The full column is at this link.]

 

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